Marriage, Gods Gift to Mankind
Lesson 1 - Cleavin' don't mean leavin', "I got you babe!"
Roy and Patty Barker

A. Man created first:

(1 Tim 2:13 KJV) "For Adam was first formed, then Eve."

(Gen 2:18-24 NASB) "Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." {19} And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name.

B. There was found no suitable helper for Man:

{20} And the man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him.

C. God created suitable helper for Man:

{21} So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh at that place. {22} And the LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. {23} And the man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man." {24} For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh."

Woman was custom made , a special design to fill mans needs.


Questions:

1. What does the word cleave mean?

2. What does the phrase 'one flesh' mean to you?

D. God made Man and Woman different in many ways.

God made us different. These differences serve a purpose and are not just an accident, or cultural. If we understand the differences we can understand our mate better and avoid conflicts.

1. Emotional differences:


a) Needs. Generally speaking, a man is seeking approval in the relationship (ego), while a woman is seeking security. A threat to either in this area can have dramatically different affects on each individual.

b) Reaction to pressures of internal problems, (she cries vs. he takes a more physical approach, makes light of her emotion and thinks of her as silly). Generally speaking, her reaction to problems within the marriage results in an emotional (seemingly illogical) response while he just gets frustrated at her reaction and attempts to control the reaction (often to no avail) by arguing logically, (as if logic can explain emotion.) The frustration that the man feels may simply be a lack of understanding the emotion, or a sense of helplessness to control or fix it. You control the problem, not the reaction, ie; if you control the problem, the crying, etc. will stop.


Question: What can you do as a loving partner in the situation where she is crying and he is slamming doors?

Suggestions:

1. As a woman you can communicate in word pictures, ie: "I feel like I'm on a raft in the middle of the sea by myself and I see storm clouds rising." What is the inference? This woman is scared and feels like she is all alone to face whatever is coming. Who, listening to the 'picture', would not understand and feel compassion and empathy?

2. Communicate by telling your partner what you think you need.

3. Be open, eager to understand, unselfish enough to overlook hurt feelings - Offer Support.

Remember: Often times, the extension of a hand or a few quiet moments in an embrace can be, and is, the best solution!!

c) Reaction to pressures of external problems (her emotional vs. his physical, take charge attitude) Example: He loses his job. His "approval" (self- worth/self esteem) is threatened and he resolutely goes about the business of finding another job (with relatively short time for depression, if he is responsible). She, however, feels the threat on her security and may become distraught or anxious until stability is re-established. And that may be only after some time has passed on the new job.

2. Physical Differences


"You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." (1 Pet 3:7 NASB)

a) Cycles and hormones - A man has difficulty understanding something that has never or will ever happen to him. A woman goes through major hormonal changes before, during and after her cycles each month and at times has little understanding of her emotions. Each woman reacts differently, so it is important for a man to recognize these changes and understand where they are coming from. At that point it will be much easier for him to comprehend and accept her mood swings.


Consideration for a man: What would it be like to wear your normal clothes for a week, all of which were one size too small due to the 5-7 lb. water weight gain experienced a week prior to the woman's cycle? Would you be grouchy?

Questions:

1. What can you do to make life easier for your mate at these times?

2. What impact does this change have on you and your partner?

b) Intellect (woman being more perceptual and man being more analytical). Men and women do not think the same way. Because a man is generally more logical (clear cut) and a woman more emotional (interwoven thinking), a man will tend to minimize his point of view to the logical facts. While he thinks that he has made his point and the argument is over, she may still be considering the points and emotionally trying to come to a conclusion.
(Gen 3:5-6 NASB) ""For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." {6} When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate."
(1 Tim 2:14 NASB) "And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being quite deceived, fell into transgression."


3. Perceptual Differences.


a) Example: Who brought what to the last get together? The woman will probably remember who was there and who brought what, while the man may have trouble remembering that there was a get together. If he does he will remember the great softball game!

b) In an argument she will notice the voice inflections (how something was said) and she draws conclusions based on the inflections of the voice. He will remember what was said in a matter of fact, clear cut manner.


4. Men are more visually sensitive and women are more audibly sensitive.


Point 1: Problems in marriage often occur as a manifestation of these differences.

Point 2: "one flesh" does not mean identical likes, needs, good qualities, bad qualities, etc., but means the blending of two into one goal, life-view and one force for good. The differences are essential to becoming "one flesh".

E. People differences (not because of our gender, but our humanity):

1. These differences may be categorized in at least two specific areas:
a) Family background
b) Religious background
2. Temperament - Differences in characteristics.
a) Tim LaHaye - Books on the Temperament
  • "Spirit Controlled Temperament"
  • "Transformed Temperament"
  • Plus many more!

F. Agape Love

1. God's immeasurable love for man caused Him to create Eden for Adam and Eve, that they might have a perfect place to live. They sinned, but he continued to love them and provide for them. Man continued to sin and God found it necessary to destroy the world, but he allowed Noah to preach for 120 years to try and save man, to no avail.

2. God would have saved Sodom and Gomorrah if there could be found ten good people. (Gen 18:32 NASB) "Then he said, "Oh may the Lord not be angry, and I shall speak only this once; suppose ten are found there?" And He said, "I will not destroy it on account of the ten."

3. This is the kind of love (agape) that Paul commanded a man to have for his wife. No matter how unlovable she becomes, how unfaithful she is or how much of an enemy she turns out to be in the home, he can never quit loving her with agape love. He can never be bitter against her.

(Eph 5:25 NASB) "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her;"


G. Phileo love means tender affection

1. Means tender affection.
2. A brotherly kind of love. This is the way we love our neighbor or our enemies.


H. Love

1. In English we have only one word for love and often the word is used in ways un-common to the natural meaning. We say we love things. Man calls adultery and fornication love. We say we "make love". These all mean different things and are not necessarily related to the two Greek words above translated Love.

2. Wives are never commanded to love their husbands--probably because God knew that He had created in women a responsive nature that would automatically cause them to love (Phileo) a loving (agapao) husband. Titus was to instruct older women to teach younger women how to control and use this Phileo love. (Titus 2:4 NASB) "that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love (Phileo) their children,"

3. Husbands are not commanded to Phileo their wives, probably because when they bestow agape love, they will be loving the way God and Christ love this world and the church, which includes all other legitimate demonstrations of love.

Agape is an active love, not just an emotion. It shows itself in every aspect of the husband's relationship to his wife. Consequently, it makes the wife's submission easier and usually enjoyable


Consequently, the wife lives in submission to her husband out of respect, consideration and honor of her agapeo loving husband. Remember that Christ's relationship to the church is an example of a husband/wife relationship. Christ loved the Church so much He shed his blood to purchase it.


Questions:

1. Husbands: How far will you go on a personal level to create agapeo love for your mate? What changes do you need to make in the way you treat her?

2. Wives: How can you see ways that your husbands commandment to love may be harder than your type of love to create?

Assignments for the week:

Men: Pick an area in which you have trouble dealing with your wife. It may be as minor as your voice inflections when speaking to her, or as major as verbal or physical abuse. Make a conscious effort to change at least one item of agapeo love that you know Christ would have you change.

Women: Pick an area in your relationship where you can practice phileo love toward your husbands agape love; for instance, he goes out of his way to do something for you, match his efforts with something for him, by going out of your way to ' do something for him'. 1